Spitting Image
by neverbflat
Summary: Jame Sirius realizes he doesn't fit in. Not anywhere. (Rated for language and non-graphic material)


Spitting Image

Summary: James Sirius realizes that he doesn't fit in. Not anywhere.

A/N: Please review! I'm always looking to get better so critiques are also appreciated.

Warnings: m/m (slash), coming out, homophobia, infidelity, and self-harm. PLEASE IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO SELF-HARM MATERIAL AND YOU FIND IT TRIGGERING, DO NOT READ.

James is not incredibly fond of school, but at this exact moment he wishes he were in his dorm room back at Hogwarts, curled up beneath his royal blue comforter reading one of his secretly cherished (and incredibly cheesy) romance novels. He wishes he was in the Ravenclaw common room doing his charms essay. Hell, he wishes he was sat wasting away in History of Magic with doom and gloom Professor Binns. He wishes he were anywhere, but where he was right now.

Wedged between his brother Al and his cousin Hugo on the sofa in the crowded living room of The Burrow.

James could hardly breathe. There were so many people crowded into such a small area. All his cousins were there, all his aunts and uncles, his grandparents, as well as some family friends (including The Longbottoms and their kids), and boyfriends and girlfriends of different cousins and.. there were just too many people.

Despite there being so many people, not one of them made an effort to converse with James. Perhaps it was because they were all already wrapped up in their own conversations. Maybe it was because they had nothing common with James. Or possibly it had to do with the fact that they didn't understand him, and never would.

He wasn't like his siblings. Al and Lily, they were both so similar to each other, but so different from James. They both shared the trait of being gifted quidditch players. James, on the other hand, was terrified of flying. They were both prefects. They were both witty and vivacious. They were social and outgoing and people were naturally drawn to them.

Lily was mum's favourite. She was just like mum. She was witty and courageous and had a short fuse. They were spitting images of each other and played the same position in quidditch (chaser). They shared the same Gryffindor values and were both fiercely independent.

Al was dad's favourite. Al was just like their dad. Even more so then Lily was like mum. Al was not a spitting image of dad. They were clones. Their personalities were exact in likeness and their interests, the same. They shared their favourite subjects in school (Defence Against the Dark Arts). They both played seeker and were both very good at getting into trouble. Al even planned on becoming an Auror after he graduated Hogwarts. The only difference between those two was the fact Al was sorted into Slytherin and he lacked the lightning bolt scar.

James was not like either of his parents. Wavy brown hair and hazel eyes, tall and thin, he didn't look like either of them. Quiet and reserved, he rarely socialized and cared far more about books and literature than quidditch. However, not only did he not like to socialize, but it physically caused him pain. Being as such, James rarely spoke unless he was spoken too.

This confused his family deeply. They all tried to "bring him out of his shell", but after some half-hearted tries, they gave up on him, stating that he was a "lost cause". This didn't anger James, but it didn't make him happy either. He was satisfied that they no longer tried to change him, but it bothered him that they dubbed him helpless. As if he was broken thing.

He knew his parents still loved him, and maybe even his siblings in their own distant way, but he also knew they would never try to relate with him. What was the point? James would never relate to them either.

He knew his extended family felt much the same way and so there he was, on Christmas Eve night, the silent spot in the sea of _loud_.

James started to feel claustrophobic, what with all the people in that small space and the roaring heat from the fire enveloping everyone in the room. He got up silently, slipping out of the room and outside onto the back porch with no one noticing.

Well, almost no one.

A minute or so later, he heard the door squeak open and closed behind him. He turned around to find a pair of golden eyes peering at him. Teddy. His hair, which was usually a bright shade of turquoise, was now his natural mousey brown.

"James," he said with a small smile. James nodded at him in return. "Kind of cold out to be standing there in that, wouldn't you say?" Teddy asked gesturing to his short sleeve grey t-shirt.

James shrugged.

"Here, take my coat," he said taking off his crisp black, button up jacket, and slinging it around James' arms.

James was about to object when he saw Teddy was wearing a very warm looking canary yellow sweater with black gloves. Hufflepuff colours. Of course. James nodded his thanks.

Teddy nodded back. "So, why'd you leave?" Teddy asked, reaching in pocket for a carton of muggle cigarettes.

James shrugged. "Got too warm," he said simply. Teddy nodded and offered James a cigarette. James reluctantly accepted.

Teddy tapped the end of the cigarette with his wand, and it lit up. "Need a light?" Teddy asked taking a drag from the cigarette. James shook his head, took out his own wand and did the same to his cigarette. "You know, sometimes I forget that you can legally do magic now. Shit, you're a man now," said Teddy with a laugh. James gave him a rare small smile and nodded. He examined the lit cigarette in his hand.

They stood there in silence for a few minutes Teddy periodically bringing his cigarette up to his lips. Then Teddy turned to him.

"Go for a walk with me," he said with a grin. James looked at him, brow wrinkled in question. Teddy sensed his confusion and gestured out to wide expanse of the burrow's "back yard" if it could even be called that. James looked at him a moment, then nodded. Teddy walked off the back porch with James following. Teddy tossed his cigarette on the ground and crushed it with his foot. James did the same with his, his cigarette never having been smoked.

They walked out in silence. The snow only dusted the grounds surface so the walk wasn't difficult. They went out to the family quidditch pitch that was built shortly before James was born. He remembered his father taking him here on his seventh birthday (when his mother deemed he was old enough) and he remembered his father being so excited to teach his eldest son to fly. He remembered how tangible Harry's disappointment was once he realized James was petrified of flying.

"Wondering what we're doing all the way out here?" asked Teddy quietly. Actually James had wondered that briefly before the morose memories of his father's disappointment assaulted him. They were quite far, the house a distant shape in the background. James shrugged.

"I wanted to tell you that I know," said Teddy simply. James looked at him an eyebrow raised in question. Teddy pulled out his wand and cleared snow off a patch of grass. He sat on the grass and gestured for James to do that same. He did.

"I know your secret," Teddy said lowly. James looked at him, a slight flicker of panic went through him, but he told himself not to overreact, Teddy could be going on about anything, absolutely anything.

"You're gay," said Teddy with a broad grin. The flutter of panic James felt before went coursing through him with full force. How had Teddy found out? James had never said anything. Nothing. And it wasn't as if James had been risky or was sleeping around with other blokes. James didn't have friends, let alone lovers. "It's okay, you know. That you're a shirt lifter," Teddy said with a chuckle.

James bolted up from his sitting position. "Shut up Teddy! Just, shut up okay? It's none of your business," said James, his voice rattling with fear. This couldn't be happening. No one could know. James didn't generally care what people thought of him except for his family, but if other people knew, then his family would find out. And his family couldn't find out. He was already enough of a disappointment. He already shamed his family's name enough. He couldn't do this to them. Not to his family. To his parents.

"Hey, Jamie, calm down. It's alright," said Teddy getting up to stand in front of James. You could tell he was surprised by James' outburst. James never reacted so loudly or boldly.

"No it's not _fucking okay," _said James, "no one can know I'm a bloody fag. No one. My parents, fuck, my family, shit Teddy, I can't do that to them. I can't."

"Can't do what? Be who you are?" Teddy asked incredulously.

"Yes!" exclaimed James. Teddy stared hard at him, his hair turning a violent shade of red. He took a step closer, moving in on James. He cupped his face and pressed his lips gently, but insistently against James'.

James was struck dumb. What was he supposed to do? This was, admittedly, his first kiss. He knew it was pathetic at the age of seventeen, but it was what it was and here was now being kissed by Teddy, having no idea how to respond. His eyes were open and he watched Teddy. He had a look of intense concentration on his face and his hair was now morphing into a bright pink. James liked the way Teddy looked right now and also how his lips felt against his own. He let his eyes gently shut and hesitantly moved his lips against Teddy's, responding to the kiss. Teddy let out a pleased sigh and let his tongue trail over James' bottom lip. James gasped, giving Teddy the perfect opportunity to delve into James' mouth.

Teddy ravished every inch of James' mouth and James let him. James enjoyed it. He liked the way Teddy sought out the sensitive spots in his mouth and how he constantly teased those areas to drive him mad. The two of the kissed for a long while before it finally hit James: Teddy was straight. And engaged to his cousin Victoire. He shoved Teddy backwards, and he stumbled, surprised.

"What the hell, Jamie?" he said confused.

"Vic," James stated, guilt ridden. He saw recognition flicker in Teddy's eyes.

"She doesn't need to know," said Teddy softly, taking a step towards him. "Gods Jamie, I've wanted to do that for so long. I've wanted _you_ for so long," he said caressing James' cheek gently with his fingertips. He kissed him softly again. James felt horrible, but the kiss was so nice. It felt like someone _finally _understood him. Teddy always understood him. "Come back to my flat with me," Teddy whispered against his lips. James' body tensed up, but Teddy moved his hand to his back, rubbing small, soothing circles there. "Please," whispered Teddy softly. And James did.

James woke up the next morning on Teddy's bed with feathers in his hair. He was confused momentarily when he woke, but soon he remembered everything that happened last night with blaring clarity. Walking with Teddy, essentially coming out to Teddy, receiving his first kiss from Teddy, Teddy apparating them back to his flat . . . him submitting to Teddy and trusting him whole heartedly as Teddy took his virginity. James smiled at the memory. At how good it had been.

James sat up and found the cause of the feathers to be a pillow that had been torn open. James smirked when remembering how that happened. He heard the shower shut off in the adjoining bathroom and smiled again. This is probably the most he'd smiled in years. When Teddy came out of the bathroom, towel draped around his waist, he couldn't stop himself from watching the drops of water slide down his body.

"Hey," said Teddy, a smile gracing his lips.

"Hey," said James an even bigger smile forming on his face.

"You know," said Teddy sitting down beside James on the bed, "for how quiet you are in everyday life, you are quite vocal in bed," he chuckled.

James blushed. Teddy leaned in for another kiss when the roaring of the floo sounded in the other room, "Teddy?" a voice called out.

Shit. Victoire.

They both scrambled up while Teddy locked the door to their room.

"Hurry up!" whispered Teddy urgently as James pulled on his pants and trousers.

"I am! I can't find my shirt!" he whisper hissed. Teddy spotted it at the foot of the bed, picked it up and threw it at James.

"Teddy?" the voice sounded from somewhere within his flat.

"Come on, hurry up James," said Teddy irritated as James rushed to throw on his trainers. Once he was dressed he reached for his wand, but slipped on Teddy discarded shirt on the floor and staggered towards the bed. He grabbed his wand and looked up to see Teddy glaring at him. "Gods, you have terrible timing. Could you be any louder? My fiancée is out there for Merlin's sake. Wish you'd go back to being your usual shut up-self right about now," Teddy said his voice hard.

James stared at him in disbelief. This man, this man that he opened up to, that he trusted his body with, the man that told him it was okay to be himself, the man that kissed the faded self-harm scars on his thighs the night before, was now telling him to shut up and leave. Treating him like a useless whore. Because he was one.

James nodded once and placed a silencing charm around him so Vic wouldn't hear his crack of apparition.

He apparated straight to his bedroom at home. He stalked across the hall to the bathroom. He took a long, too hot shower and let the water scold his back, his skin starting to form blisters. He held his wand in his left hand and examined it. He knew the charm like the back of his hand, though it had been roughly over a year since he had used it last. He cut one slice into the flesh of his thigh and sighed as the familiar release hit him.

When he was done with his shower he ran to his bedroom before anyone could see him. This time, James hadn't limited himself to his thighs, but also sliced a few lines onto his wrists and forearms. He'd never done that before, deciding that it was too risky, but now he didn't quite care how risky it was. He just didn't care anymore.

He pulled on a pair of muggle jeans and a dark grey sweater. He slipped on some socks and padded downstairs. His family was crowded around the Christmas tree, opening presents. Without him. James felt pain surge through his chest. He knew that with such a big extended family, and him being so quiet that he could sometimes get lost in the crowd.

But this was just _his_ family. Just mum, dad, Albus, and Lily, sat down around the Christmas tree, laughing and enjoying Christmas morning together. Without him. He wanted to cry, but James wasn't one to cry.

He slipped downstairs silently and stopped at the base of the Christmas tree. He bent down and grabbed the presents he had purchased for everyone. He went round to all of them and handed them their presents. When he finished passing round all his presents he stepped back in front of the Christmas tree and hesitated.

"Did you just get in?" Ginny asked. He nodded.

"Where were you?" asked Lily shocked.

"Over Teddy's." he said bitterly. No one picked up on it.

"Wait, so, you actually hung out with someone. As in, you interacted with another human being?" asked Al incredulously. He nodded again.

"Yes, well. . . Happy Christmas," they all paused and looked at him. "Well go on, open your presents. I want to see if I've done a good job this year," he said an entirely fake smile gracing his lips. They all looked at him as if he'd just transformed into a hippogriff right in front of their very eyes. That was probably the most James had spoken all at once to them in a year. They were all too dumbstruck to move.

Harry broke the spell, "Of course son, thank you," he said with a smile.

Everyone moved to open their presents. They were all surprised, generally James just gave his family sweets, or in the case of Albus and Lily, cash. This year was different though.

Albus and Lily got the same thing. Quidditch gloves. But these were top of the line, brand name, best quality quidditch gloves and at the bottom, near the wrists they were embroidered. Al's left wrist read _Slytherin _in a most vibrant emerald shade while his right wrist read _Captain_ in silver. Lily's was much the same because she was captain as well, but instead of Slytherin it read _Gryffindor _embroidered in scarlet and _Captain _in a most vivid gold.

They both stared at him wide-eyed and open mouthed.

"These are. . . _fantastic_. Look, Albus, the traction on these gloves. No way we'll lose grip on our brooms!" Lily said excitedly.

"I know. They're wonderful, James. Really." He said looking up at his older brother. James just nodded as if he already knew this, because he did. And he really he just wanted his parents to open their presents so he could go back upstairs and sleep forever. He turned to his parents expectantly.

His father opened his first. In the gold and silver wrapping lay an intricately carved wooden box. James gestured for him to open it. The inside of the box was red velvet and inside lay a golden snitch, but not just any ordinary golden snitch.

"The snitch is set to remember it's owner and so if it ever turns out that you cannot find the snitch or you lose it in the weather, it will come back to you once you whistle for it, however it is charmed with a cheating resistance charm, so it won't come back for you if you whistle for it in the middle of the match. It's owner is the first person who touches it with bare hands. Don't worry, I used gloves to wrap it." Not only was Harry (and the rest of his family) shocked by his monologue, but touched by the thoughtfulness of the gift.

"James, I- this is. . . perfect." He said with his eyes getting shiny. James knew it too. Then he turned to his mum.

"Mum, I figured you were perfectly up to date on your quidditch gear so I got you this instead," he said gesturing to the two small packages lying in her hands.

The first was a package of her favourite sweets from Honey Dukes, the ones she complained she hadn't had for years. She looked up at James. "You remembered," she said awed. James nodded once and pointed to his other gift.

This gift also came in an intricate wooden box, however a bit smaller than the one Harry's gift had come in. It was a golden locket in the shape of, ironically, a quaffle. She laughed delightedly at this. He told her to open it. So she did.

On the left side of the locket was a picture of Albus boarding the Hogwarts express his first year. Dad was standing next to him and they were both looking at whoever was taking the picture. Dad was smiling and Al was waving. On the right side of the locket was Lily dressed up in her Gryffindor quidditch gear for her first ever match. She was beaming.

His mum smiled momentarily before, realizing something. "There's no picture of you in here." She said, confused.

"There was only enough space for two," he said simply.

"But," she said shaking her head, "this gift was from you?"

He shrugged. He turned back to the rest of his family. "I hope you enjoyed your gifts," he said with a tight smile. "I'm going to sleep." He said, making his way towards the stairs.

"Wait, what about your gifts son?" Harry said, standing up. James looked at his pile under the tree.

"I'll open them later, by myself, if you don't mind. Besides, you lot seemed to be getting on just fine without me." He said with a remorseful smile and jogged up the stairs carelessly.

They all stared after him.

Later that night they all made their way to The Burrow for Christmas dinner. The atmosphere was awkward and the tension tangible.

His mum didn't know whether to wear the locket or not, but James insisted that she did. So she did.

They were late when they showed up so almost everyone was there and when they arrived, they arrived into a scene of chaos. Everyone was staring, stunned at the scene in front of them: Vic slapping Teddy _hard_ across the face.

"How _dare_ you?!" shouted Victoire as he staggered away from her. "How dare you show up at _my _family's Christmas party after what you did!"

Oh no.

"Woah, Vic, sweetheart, what'd he do?" asked James' Uncle Bill.

"He cheated on me, that's what." She spat.

Shit.

"Cheated? Ted? How do you know?" asked Al.

"There were love bites all up and down his neck this morning. Apparently the whore was still there when I came by this morning and Teddy didn't have time to heal his 'wounds' in time." She sneered. "How _dare_ you be here. How dare you fuck another girl last night and then show up here, to my family's home." She said through gritted teeth.

"Vic, I know you're upset, but he's _our _family." Said Lily quietly, gesturing towards the Potters. It was true Harry and Ginny were a large part of raising Teddy. Gods, James felt sick.

"And that makes this _okay_?! He won't even tell me what the slut's name was!" she shouted.

"No, of course not, and he should have known not to come, but still he's our family." Said Lily. She loved Teddy just like she loved Albus. And probably more than she loved James. She would defend him till the end.

There was silence and then Ginny spoke.

"James, you said you were by Teddy's last night. Do you know what her name is?"

Everyone in the room turned towards James. The spotlight was on him and he could hardly breathe. Teddy was terrified, he could tell. He was pleading with his eyes, begging him not to say anything, but you know what? James felt vengeful. He had trusted Teddy this morning and he had broken that trust, made him feel cheap and useless. James no longer cared what his family would think of him. No longer cared what anyone would think of him. So he said it.

"James." He said clearly and unwavering. There was confusion.

"What do you mean 'James'?" his father asked.

"I mean the slut's name was _James_." He said his voice hard. "_I_ fucked Teddy last night, or rather, he fucked me. It was rather sweet, really. All story book and murmuring sweet nothings into my ear. Oh, how satisfying it must have been for him to make the silent, shy, _useless_ little Potter scream, to break through Jamie's icy shell. Welp, this is what's underneath it. A pathetic, self -loathing, shirt lifting, _whore_." He said with a smirk.

They all stared.

"You're a faggot?" Al asked dumbfounded. James laughed without humor.

"Yep. And the bottom one at that. The one who takes it. The one who is always gagging for it like a shameless little bitch. Make you feel uncomfortable Aly?" he said as he saw Albus start to fidget. James knew his words weren't entirely true, hell this time last night he'd been a virgin, but it made Al squirm when he said it so, he lied.

"James," whispered Victoire, "h-how could you?" she asked, tears rolling down her face.

"Oh, I don't know, I guess I just ignored it, you know how the rest of you ignore me, and act as if I don't exist. I just pretended you didn't exist." He said simply.

It was silent again. James itched his arm through his sweather, his cuts starting to become irritated with the nervous sweat tracking down James' arms. Teddy caught the motion. He stared pointedly at James' arms and his eyes widened. He knew, James could tell.

"Oh James, no." he whispered walking over to him. James stepped back.

"What do you care?" spat James. He tried to back away from Teddy, but Teddy grabbed him by the arms. James attempts to get away were feeble. Teddy looked at him, guilt swimming in his eyes and pulled back his sleeve.

The cuts were long and angry and red, bold enough for the whole room to see. James heard his mother cry out in horror. He stared defiantly back at Teddy. There were tears in his eyes.

"My fault," Teddy whispered brokenly. Teddy pulled up the other sleeve to reveal more angry lines, his mother now openly sobbing into his father's chest. "They're all over aren't they?" he asked softly. He didn't need an answer, he knew. "My fault," he whispered again.

James yanked his arm away, but didn't bother to pull his sleeves back down.

"James, son, why didn't you tell us? Gods, we could have helped," his dad said, holding James' shaking mother.

James scoffed. "Right, as if that was an option. Not living up to the name _Potter_. I could stand being the Golden Couple's 'odd' son, but I wasn't about to tell you who I really was. You and everyone else would just think I'm some sick, depraved, little nancy boy," Harry started to object, but James cut him off. "Looking back on it now though, what would it have really mattered? You were disappointed in me from the moment Albus was born. He was the perfect son in every way. He had everything I lacked and then some. I could never hold a candle to Al. Not in your mind and not in anyone else's. Same goes for Lily. I was just never good enough for you two. And I never will be." He said with disdain. He turned back to everyone. They were gaping. Some, namely the Aunts, cried.

_Gods, _he thought _everyone must think I'm some narcissistic git. Fuck, I've never spoken this much in my life._

And it was true, he hadn't.

The End.


End file.
